Why You Need Me!

Hi, I'm Fake Mike Arcuri and I want to continue to be your Congressman here in New York's 24th Congressional District.

Why?

Because it's the best job I've ever had. You've probably heard a lot about the incredible compensation available to certain professions, but I can safely say that nothing compares to a gig in the House of Representatives. The pay and benefits are awesome, I only have to work eight months out of the year, and every weekend is a three day weekend.

Unfortunately, polling shows that many of my constituents don't believe I should be re-elected. And by "many" I mean "Holy crap, I better come up with something good or I'll end up like one of you". That's why I've decided to reach out and make the case for my re-election.

The truth is that it's not your fault you think I'm an ineffective, glad-handing politician. How could you know better? You've been mislead, and my job over the coming months is to convince you of how truly wonderful I am. Trust me, nobody knows my many outstanding qualities better than me.

So let's start that journey of discovery together, shan't we?