Health Care Reform

I get a lot of questions about my votes on health care reform. Sadly, many people are confused by the fact that I both supported it and was against it. "How could you do that?", they ask, "Don't you believe in anything?"

The answer to that question is "Yes".

I believe in quantum mechanics.

Quantum mechanics helps explain how a politician can be both for and against something at the same time. You may have heard of "Schrödinger's Cat", a famous government program that attempted to explain the nature of reality while simultaneously alleviating a surplus of our feline friends. It involved placing a whole lot of cats inside boxes along with radioactive isotopes, Geiger counters, vials of poison gas, and a stack of "Cat Fancy" magazines. Then they started a clock and..uh..did something really complex and scientific involving chalkboards covered in equations.

And you know what the scientists learned from those experiments, much to the chagrin of a large number of the cats involved? Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE, both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. Reality is flexible. We might think something is true, but it's really just little bundles of probability called quanta. Amazing, isn't it?

How does this relate to health care? Even I, Fake Mike Arcuri, am made of quanta. That means I'm just a manifestation of an infinite number of possibilities, so it's only natural that I'm both for and against health care reform at the same time.

I think that pretty much answers any questions about my health care reform votes.*









*I'll also be using quanta to explain my positions on responsible budgeting, off shore drilling, clean water, earmarks, and a lot of other issues. To comprehend the sheer brilliance of my positions you should probably read this and this.