Why Does Richard Hanna Hate Kittens?

As you know, one of my most endearing qualities is my boundless compassion. I care, dammit. I care about people, about the future, and, most importantly, about getting re-elected.

That's why Richard Hanna's vicious attacks on kittens are so disturbing. My campaign has donated gobs of money to local humane societies to care for lost and abandoned kittens. And by "donated" I mean "had to get rid of the tens of thousands of dollars Charlie Rangel funneled into my campaign once he was caught". Some of that money is now making sure that cute, fuzzy little kittens with names like "Patches" and "Mister Kitty Von Plumpalump" have food and a warm place to sleep.

So when Richard Hanna attacks my shady dealings with Charlie Rangel what he's really saying is that he hates kittens.

That's why it's so vitally important that you start doing more to get me re-elected. As long as I'm your Congressman there will be a steady supply of donations* providing "Mr. Meow Meow Kitty" with delicious cat food and a warm, snuggly bed.

I'm Fake Mike Arcuri and I approved this message.





*And by "donations" I mean "tainted campaign contributions".

No Tweets For You, Fake Mike Arcuri

Imagine my surprise when I, Fake Mike Arcuri, awoke this morning and discovered this:



I've been a faithful follower of Robert Harding's tweets for almost a week, and now I find myself cut off and cast into the outer darkness. What could have possibly precipitated this cruel separation?

Let me assure you, my friends, that I'm not going to dwell on this seeming rejection. Why? Because deep in my heart I know Robert is still part of the Campaign to Save Mike Arcuri.

I'm Fake Mike Arcuri and I approved this message.

Health Care Reform

I get a lot of questions about my votes on health care reform. Sadly, many people are confused by the fact that I both supported it and was against it. "How could you do that?", they ask, "Don't you believe in anything?"

The answer to that question is "Yes".

I believe in quantum mechanics.

Quantum mechanics helps explain how a politician can be both for and against something at the same time. You may have heard of "Schrödinger's Cat", a famous government program that attempted to explain the nature of reality while simultaneously alleviating a surplus of our feline friends. It involved placing a whole lot of cats inside boxes along with radioactive isotopes, Geiger counters, vials of poison gas, and a stack of "Cat Fancy" magazines. Then they started a clock and..uh..did something really complex and scientific involving chalkboards covered in equations.

And you know what the scientists learned from those experiments, much to the chagrin of a large number of the cats involved? Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE, both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. Reality is flexible. We might think something is true, but it's really just little bundles of probability called quanta. Amazing, isn't it?

How does this relate to health care? Even I, Fake Mike Arcuri, am made of quanta. That means I'm just a manifestation of an infinite number of possibilities, so it's only natural that I'm both for and against health care reform at the same time.

I think that pretty much answers any questions about my health care reform votes.*









*I'll also be using quanta to explain my positions on responsible budgeting, off shore drilling, clean water, earmarks, and a lot of other issues. To comprehend the sheer brilliance of my positions you should probably read this and this.

Clean Water

Here in the 24th Congressional District our most important resource is our ample supply of pure, clean water. And by "ample supply" I mean the water that isn't contaminated with raw sewage.

The sewer concerns stem from too much storm-water mixing with sewage when it rains. The local sewage treatment plant can’t handle the added volume, so some sewage goes untreated and enters the Mohawk River.

When it rains, it’s estimated that somewhere in the range of 40 million gallons per day enter the sewage treatment plant, engineers said Thursday...

...A second part of the project would be to upgrade the plant to increase its capacity from 15 million gallons per day to 25 million gallons per day, he said. This plan for attacking the problems finds the most cost-effective balance between conducting repairs and upgrading the plant, he said.

Let's see...40 million gallons of sewage contaminated water a day. Minus 15 million gallons of plant capacity. That equals...uh...carry the 5...25 million gallons of sewage contaminated water. A day.

Wow. I mean...WOW. That's a lot even by the standards in Washington, where spewing massive amounts of crap is what we do for a living.

When you see numbers like that the natural reaction is to freak out. After all, who wants to drink out of a toilet bowl? Well, other than dogs.

What really brings this issue home is that it personally impacts me, Fake Mike Arcuri. You're probably surprised to hear that, but it's true- the water at my Utica office is undrinkable because of contamination. That's why I've created the two step "Arcuri Water Plan" to aggressively deal with the issue and get the problem solved. And when I say "Arcuri Water Plan" I mean it- this is my personal plan to make sure I don't have to drink the local swill.

Step One: Avoid appearing in Utica office.
Step Two: Only drink bottled water.

Mission accomplished.

Admittedly, this is just a pilot program for me, Fake Mike Arcuri, and my office. Once I'm re-elected I fully intend to work really, really hard to make sure everyone has the same safe, clean water supply I do within two decades. Who else could come up with a visionary plan like that?

Just one more reason why you need to be doing more to get me re-elected!

Why You Need Me!

Hi, I'm Fake Mike Arcuri and I want to continue to be your Congressman here in New York's 24th Congressional District.

Why?

Because it's the best job I've ever had. You've probably heard a lot about the incredible compensation available to certain professions, but I can safely say that nothing compares to a gig in the House of Representatives. The pay and benefits are awesome, I only have to work eight months out of the year, and every weekend is a three day weekend.

Unfortunately, polling shows that many of my constituents don't believe I should be re-elected. And by "many" I mean "Holy crap, I better come up with something good or I'll end up like one of you". That's why I've decided to reach out and make the case for my re-election.

The truth is that it's not your fault you think I'm an ineffective, glad-handing politician. How could you know better? You've been mislead, and my job over the coming months is to convince you of how truly wonderful I am. Trust me, nobody knows my many outstanding qualities better than me.

So let's start that journey of discovery together, shan't we?